brain puke

So what are you saying? Are you saying that things get ~awkward now? Now you don't talk to me? What the hell are you trying to do here? Obviously I am not okay. Obviously, yes, I do need that hug that slips your mind, the hug I can't get up the nerve to ask for, because really is it worth it? Do you really mean it? Should I make the effort to continue this if it's going to be fake smiles and second glances all the way? Barely a hello. I don't understand, I know I shouldn't get worked up about it. I want to talk to you, I want to say all manner of things to you, but I can't tell if I should put the effort into it.

And you, I want to slap you in the face because YOU, YOU YOU YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT TO WHICH YOU ARE SO FUCKING BLESSED. I WOULD HAVE KILLED, BUT NO. I can't tell you this, I can't begin to tell you this, I can try to tell you and I can give you warning glances but no, never heeded. If you fuck the whole fucking thing up, I am going to rip your face off.

And you. LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM. HE'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. HE'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. Just because he's being nice today doesn't mean it won't flip, it won't change in a couple minutes. There's no nice way to do this unless it's a mutual thing and it's NOT MUTUAL. He's blaming you, he's guilt-tripping you and you should not stand for this. You deserve better than this, I love you, I don't know what I would do without you, but you need to grow a backbone and DO IT ALFUCKINGREADY. We need to leave, we need to leave now, its not good for either of us, it's just eating away at us and making me anxious I am going to gain weight and you are going to gain more white hairs and NEITHER OF US WANT THIS, ANY OF IT. LEAVE.

AND YOU. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH YOU. You treat us like shit, we put up with it, so many years. You have changed. You never used to be this controlling, this obnoxious, this untolerant. You believe in aliens but you can't bear the thought of me being gay? I see more of you in myself every single fucking day and I fight it, I fight it so very very hard, but I can't seem to shake myself of the idea that I will grow up to be just like you. I don't want that, I don't want that at all, I want to be WHO I AM, not WHO YOU ARE. You want me to be who you are, you want me to live up to your standards, that's why she's leaving you because NOTHING IS EVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. NEVER, IN MY LIFE, HAVE I FELT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. And you know, I shouldn't have to feel insufficient every single day of my life, I shouldn't feel guilty every time I see a B-, my stomach shouldn't drop at every mention of a progress report. I shouldn't feel guilty for walking to the supermarket on the weekends, I should really be studying, I should be cleaning, we need to get rid of that fucking dog, Olivia, get your head out of the clouds, Olivia, fill your mind with good things, Olivia. I AM FUCKING SICK OF YOU. I love you, I love you so much, but I wish you were different. I wish you hadn't changed so much, I wish there wasn't something wrong in your head, I wish you didn't treat me like an employee. If it wasn't for you, I would be sleeping every night and I wouldn't be wheezing from the tar and cyanide in my lungs and I wouldn't have the marks and I wouldn't be the way I am. You play a huge part in who I am, good and bad, and I love it, I hate it. I don't want to live up to your standards, I want to live up to mine. I WILL LIVE UP TO MY STANDARDS.

I need to leave, I need to change, constant change, thanks guys for raising me this way. Thanks for staying somewhere just long enough for me to make friends then leaving again, no, bye bye Lisbon, bye bye Rome, bye bye Corfu, so long, thanks for the memories. Onto somewhere new, look at the pretty ruins, be grateful. I AM GRATEFUL. I OVERFLOWING WITH FUCKING GRATEFUL. REALLY, I AM. Now I have to have change, I can't stay the same...it's a human thing, but really? Now? No. I need some constants and what am I going to do now? Things are up in the air, DO IT NOW OR DON'T DO IT AT ALL. Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church and someone buy me roses and someone burned the church, and someone save my soul tonight please save my soul. I'll never let them hurt you, I promise.

This is going to be difficult. I know it is. But I want you to know, all of you, everyone, I want you to know that I love you. Just because I'm upset and volatile right now does not mean that you should treat me like a porcelain doll. I am still here, I am still alive, and I do want to be here for you no matter what. Just because I am upset does not give you reason to not tell me things or talk to me if you want to. If any of this makes sense. I love you and I'll need help, but I am here for you.
All I need right about now is a hug and an energy drink and I'll be peachy.
Really, my mood just gets worse and worse. Yes, sure, I'm glad you don't enjoy my company. What do you want now, stop actively trying to make me miserable, please. And you, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND, YOU DO NOT LIKE ME, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE UN FUCKING CIVILIZED ABOUT IT. I miss my old life and I'm stuck in this anticipating limbo for my next life, a sort of no-man's-land of implosions and explosions and mini breakdowns and super highs. I'm going through some kind of withdrawals but I don't know which. I'm not on any drugs. I'm getting killer headaches every day and I am going crazy and I need I need I need I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED. I need to cuddle, I need affection, that's what I always go back to in my times of crisis. The question is whether I'll get what I need. Probably not, knowing my luck. Fuck this, I'm done.