jacqueline was seventeen

I'm on a roll tonight. I finished my P.E. homework (who ever heard of such a thing?), endured an hour of physical therapy and then some, I actually understand chemistry tonight (thanks Taylor De + McKenna), and I managed to make up an English paper topic on the spot while speaking to my father. I asked my father about my history essay topic (why McCain-Palin lost) and I got him talking for an hour and a half. I took 5 pages of notes.
English: sling hen
managed: aged man
understand: r tanned sun
Today at service I had a quiet little girl named Olivia. This is not the one who asked me if I smoked pot. That was the second girl whose name escapes me. Although I love all of these little bundles of crayon-loving goodness, I miss my first girl Shani, who actually told me she wanted to see me next week. In any case, they're all beautiful little sea lions.
Damn the internet, damn it to the fiery pits of Hades. I was totally speeding through past chemistry homework until I decided I had to document my understanding in a blog.
This week, I am memorizing:
Muy cerca de mi ocasa, yo te bendigo, vida porque nunca me diste ni esperancza fallida ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida
It means:
So near to my decline, I bless you, life because you never gave me false hope or work unjust or punishment undeserved
I am so proud of myself...I want to go on to Spanish 4 next year. It's something that clicks way better than maths or science, at least science as far as I've learned. People keep telling me that math is a language, which I can totally see. It's just not a language I understand very well. That's why we have to work hard, et cetera. But Spanish is something that's like BAM! I GET IT! Which is spectacular, given my horrific grades in every other subject right now. I mean...yes when I was little I understood and spoke it, my first Spanish word was when I was two, and it was "mariposa" meaning butterfly. Young age, educational sponge and all that jazz.
Speaking of all that jazz, I am craving watching Chicago right now. iTunes/Limewire, here I come!
Not that I'll able to listen to it either way, my father is in possession of my iPod, phone, and the laptop with most of the music on it. I guess I am impaired in some sense. But that is not for tonight, I refuse to ruin my good juju day.
Enough about myself, that's all I ever talk about ever.

I love Landon. I messaged him today to tell him that. I don't mean it in any huge crush way, the way I felt for five years. I mean it in the sense that he has always been a great friend to me and I hate to see him hurting like this, even though I haven't seen him since the funeral, and I want him to be happy. I know he's hurting and I wish I could help. I've let him know I'm here and that I love him and hope he's doing alright, and that's about all I can do now. I guess I'll just wait and see if he takes me up on it.
I cannot stress how much I love Burke for introducing me to Brett Dennen whom I also love dearly as of yesterday. I cannot stress how much I believe love will set you free. I cannot stress how much I believe peace is a reasonable solution. I cannot stress how much I believe that the human race is not an inherently violent species. I cannot stress how much I love Bolger and his class. I cannot stress how hard I am on myself right now. I cannot stress how little I'm doing about being so hard on myself or what I'm being hard on myself about. I cannot stress how much Ain't No Reason and GWB (Fuck You Very Much) describe my life right now. I cannot stress how my sister brightened my day today. I cannot stress how good that surprise Cupcake Royale cupcake made me feel. I cannot stress how mediocre I am right now. I cannot stress how I just realized a second ago that when I am unhappy I rely on my ability to love other people to improve it. I cannot stress how annoyed I am with myself. I cannot stress how anxious the situation with my parents makes me. I cannot stress how much I believe that the reason I'm so anxious is because he took everything away.
I just worked myself into a spiraling juju cycle right there.
Insomnia and Pink Martini.
I'm looking forward to the weight I'll gain and the moods I'll be in and the punishment I'll recieve for not sleeping.
This all feels so surreal. It shouldn't it's been this way it always has why would I think it would be any different today of all times now of all times in fact I only have two D's he was disappointed he was excited "I don't like doing this" why were you smiling when you did it really I don't believe you I don't believe you care I don't believe you understand I don't believe you know I don't believe you believe I don't believe I DON'T BELIEVE my efforts are futile there is no use arguing do not let me turn out to be you please God don't I refuse to be a blubbering mess I need to sleep I need to sing I need to sleep I need to sing I need to love I need to hug I need to do I need to relax I need to realize I need to underthink I need to overthink I need to read I need to speak I need to scream I need to vent I need to cry I need to get his smell out of this shirt my shirt smells like pot my hair smells like coconut and cigarettes my hands smell like lavender my room smells like Old Spice my bed smells like Reland my pillow smells like Orkila my blanket smells like summer. Daft Punk sounds like Miles sounds like what I wish I was involved in what I wish I had done what I had missed out on. Hot Girls In Good Moods sounds like happiness sounds miserable sounds like freshman year sounds like Ileana sounds like sex sounds like Colleen sounds like Australia. My stomach sounds like something missing something I can't quite put my finger on something I don't like something I don't want.

I need to try to sleep. I can't sleep. Goodnight.