waiting

The song Waiting by Green Day describes what I want to feel right now.

I've been waiting a long time for this moment to come. I'm destined for anything...at all. Downtown lights will be shining on me like a new diamond. Ring out under the midnight hour. No one can touch me now and I can't turn my back; It's too late, ready or not at all. I'm so much closer than I have ever known...Wake up.
Dawning of a new era, calling...don't let it catch you falling. Ready or not at all. So close enough to taste it; almost...I can embrace this feeling on the tip of my tongue.

Not how I feel, mind you, but how I want to feel.
I'm a tad conflicted at the moment, but I feel alright. I don't feel like being cryptic right now. I'm unsubtle by nature, it takes enough effort to not blurt out how I'm feeling all the time without making it sound good. Honestly, here is how I feel. Honestly, I feel unwanted by pretty much everyone but a select few people; those people are the ones I am helping, the ones who give me purpose, the ones who I feel might depend on me sometimes. Honestly, I know that's not good, but the feeling comes and goes so I'm not too concerned. Honestly, I feel that other than my parents' situation, my housing arrangement limbo, my inadequacy feelings, and bad grades, things are all right. Honestly, disregarding all of that, things are perfect. Honestly, I have several best friends who love me and whom I love dearly. Honestly, half the time I feel I don't have a life and I resort to pot to make me feel better. Honestly, I sound like a pathetic deadbeat. Honestly, the other half of the time I feel absolutely perfect. Honestly, I feel my resentment towards my father takes up too much energy, but honestly it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to fix it. Honestly, I feel that the soundtrack I have recently picked out for my life is cliche and corny, but fitting. Honestly, I think I'm waiting for something exciting to happen. Honestly, something exciting did happen but was a tad too good to be true; when I started getting the hint that it might happen again I realized I didn't want it and neither did he. Honestly, I'm fine with spending my nights in the bright yellow van. Honestly, what matters to me is happiness. Honestly, I am still balancing out my happiness with that of others. Honestly, I'm trying to come to terms that I cannot fix everything. Honestly, I think I could stop talking to him now and wouldn't notice the difference. But honestly, if I said that, he would run his car into a tree. Honestly, I can't love other people if I don't love myself. Honestly, I do love myself. Honestly, I do try to love everybody, but honestly, it's really hard when they do not want to be loved. Honestly, that's not an excuse to not love them. Honestly, I'm going to love them anyways. Honestly, I suppose I don't miss the people I recently lost touch with, but honestly I miss the good times we had. Honestly, I think it's just bad luck. Honestly, I have slept four hours in the past 120 hours, and honestly I blame him. Honestly, I don't want this blog to be angsty, but honestly I think I voice how I'm feeling better here. Honestly, I'm not going to delve into the details of my parents' seperation on here, however much I feel like it. Honestly, I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about that. But honestly, when I was typing that, I thought of four people who have told me that they are, or have gone, through the same thing and are here for me. Honestly, I want to kiss those people right now. Honestly, I love them. Honestly, I love the people who have treated me like shit for the past few months, and I don't honestly know why. Honestly, I swear I have been absolutely honest.
I've got some stuff whirling around my head. So technically only half the time I'm conflicted; I feel like a cow. Not in a shitty-self-esteem sort of way, in the half-black-half-white sort of way. Maybe a zebra analogy might be better. Black with white stripes or white with black stripes? Half the time I'm great, half the time I feel like shit.
And now what do I do about it?
I suppose I'll have to think some more about that.
I think I'll have to get back to you on that.