so i didn't finish my history paper tonight

But I'm quite close. I have been working on it for 10 hours straight.

THERE IS A MOVIE CALLED THE TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEADS!
It's about these alien foreheads - no joke, FOREHEADS - that turn people into zombies.
WHAT THE EFF.
Drugs.

I'm excited for 10:00 tonight.
My mother and I just spent ten minutes on the couch, thinking about putting a movie on, but neither of us wanted to get up to look for the remote. So we sat here and laughed at pretty much nothing, for ten minutes straight.
She finally finished her strawberries and stood up and got the remote. So now we're watching Jumper. I so wish I could teleport.

Hasta luego. Love.

sorry dudes. my bad.

I am currently sitting on my couch drinking tea and eating Jumbo Virginia Peanuts. I keep thinking the jar says vagina peanuts and I sort of cringe inside because whatever a vagina peanut is, it doesn't sound very appealing.
The clouds look really pretty; I think the sun is setting, but I can't tell. I've been outside once today.
Goddamn this history paper. I was hoping to get it done before it got dark, because I can never concentrate when it's dark. Hell, I can't concentrate during the day. I've been more content lately, because:

• I've secured my room in the basement in the new house
• I've been talking to people that want to talk to me too
• Jacked up on caffeine
• Getting all homework done/turned in!!!!!!!
• Understanding said homework
• Finding songs that fully suit my mood
• I finished the dance company drawing for Ms. Edwards (hopefully she'll like it.)
• There's a man assigned to me and he checks on my stability. We discuss you every week, then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
• Things are looking up.
• I hung out with him and left with my virtue still firmly intact
• Not necessarily looking for a relationship, and that's fine
• Called me sweetie this morning; I died.
• Was ripped and listened to all of Sgt. Peppers

I wish I was an octopus. Olivia the Octopus.
Well she was just seventeen, if you know what I mean, and the way she looked was way beyond compaaaaaaaaaaare.
Nanannaanana I've been listening to like first ever Beatles stuff again. It also improves everything.
Time to work on history essay again.
You're beautiful, I love you.

my dad needs to learn how to speak

It's nuclear, not nucular.

it could be introducing five nuns

Lolwut?

Mykaila: "NOT ACT LIKE A..."
Olivia: "DINGUS!"
Mykaila: "... a dingus, or a monkey..."
Olivia: "There's nothing wrong with monkeys."

Today Señora went, "OOOH LOS BEATLES! Me gusta tu Beatles camisa, monkey!"
It brightened my morning.


you're beautiful, i love you.

none of that salmonella business

Cold turkey's getting stale
Tonight I'm eating crow
Fermented salmonella poison oak, no!
There's a drought at the fountain of youth, and I'm dehydrating
My tongue is swelling up, I say 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
Troubled times, you know I cannot lie
I'm off the wagon and I'm hitching a ride...

Oh Green Day, how I missed your dulcet tones.
Haha, dulcet. The word always reminds me of Ms. Seaton in my 8th grade music class, she always called us her "dulcet darlings".
Tonight for dinner is Swiss steak :/ No me gusta mucho, y no tengo mucho hambre. Yo hice un sandwich de platanos, mantequilla de cacahuete, y miel antes de la cena...entonces, no tengo hambre. Hoy, mi gramatica esta muy bien. Es mi vocabulario que necesita mejora. Dudo que sea el mismo manana, pero no quiero preocupar esta noche.
Necesito hacer mi tarea...my English essay is going to be shit tomorrow. Good thing it's only a draft. Thank you Geraghty for extending it.
Today my mother took me to the family pediatrician because she thinks I have A.D.D. He sent me home with a questionnaire. He really has the most beautiful eyes; they're like turquoise and I wanted to comment on them, but it might seem weird that a) I'm telling a man in his 60's that his eyes are beautiful (although really, I wouldn't mind) and b) my family's been going to him for the past 29 years, so really we should have noticed by now? Whatever, I'll tell him the next time I see him.

I am working quite diligently on this essay of mine. It's actually 8:29 right now. When I post this, it'll say it was posted a couple hours ago I think, but I actually turned off my internet and worked on this essay for a while. I'm proud.
Except for the fact that I'm not allowed in my room except to sleep now.
That is definitely for another time.
I miss Salvador Dali. I have a photo of him in my room under the Juju section of my wall.

I got a cracky message on my phone yesterday. I wonder who it could have been from.
Going to finish essay.
You're beautiful, I love you.

jacqueline was seventeen

I'm on a roll tonight. I finished my P.E. homework (who ever heard of such a thing?), endured an hour of physical therapy and then some, I actually understand chemistry tonight (thanks Taylor De + McKenna), and I managed to make up an English paper topic on the spot while speaking to my father. I asked my father about my history essay topic (why McCain-Palin lost) and I got him talking for an hour and a half. I took 5 pages of notes.
English: sling hen
managed: aged man
understand: r tanned sun
Today at service I had a quiet little girl named Olivia. This is not the one who asked me if I smoked pot. That was the second girl whose name escapes me. Although I love all of these little bundles of crayon-loving goodness, I miss my first girl Shani, who actually told me she wanted to see me next week. In any case, they're all beautiful little sea lions.
Damn the internet, damn it to the fiery pits of Hades. I was totally speeding through past chemistry homework until I decided I had to document my understanding in a blog.
This week, I am memorizing:
Muy cerca de mi ocasa, yo te bendigo, vida porque nunca me diste ni esperancza fallida ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida
It means:
So near to my decline, I bless you, life because you never gave me false hope or work unjust or punishment undeserved
I am so proud of myself...I want to go on to Spanish 4 next year. It's something that clicks way better than maths or science, at least science as far as I've learned. People keep telling me that math is a language, which I can totally see. It's just not a language I understand very well. That's why we have to work hard, et cetera. But Spanish is something that's like BAM! I GET IT! Which is spectacular, given my horrific grades in every other subject right now. I mean...yes when I was little I understood and spoke it, my first Spanish word was when I was two, and it was "mariposa" meaning butterfly. Young age, educational sponge and all that jazz.
Speaking of all that jazz, I am craving watching Chicago right now. iTunes/Limewire, here I come!
Not that I'll able to listen to it either way, my father is in possession of my iPod, phone, and the laptop with most of the music on it. I guess I am impaired in some sense. But that is not for tonight, I refuse to ruin my good juju day.
Enough about myself, that's all I ever talk about ever.

I love Landon. I messaged him today to tell him that. I don't mean it in any huge crush way, the way I felt for five years. I mean it in the sense that he has always been a great friend to me and I hate to see him hurting like this, even though I haven't seen him since the funeral, and I want him to be happy. I know he's hurting and I wish I could help. I've let him know I'm here and that I love him and hope he's doing alright, and that's about all I can do now. I guess I'll just wait and see if he takes me up on it.
I cannot stress how much I love Burke for introducing me to Brett Dennen whom I also love dearly as of yesterday. I cannot stress how much I believe love will set you free. I cannot stress how much I believe peace is a reasonable solution. I cannot stress how much I believe that the human race is not an inherently violent species. I cannot stress how much I love Bolger and his class. I cannot stress how hard I am on myself right now. I cannot stress how little I'm doing about being so hard on myself or what I'm being hard on myself about. I cannot stress how much Ain't No Reason and GWB (Fuck You Very Much) describe my life right now. I cannot stress how my sister brightened my day today. I cannot stress how good that surprise Cupcake Royale cupcake made me feel. I cannot stress how mediocre I am right now. I cannot stress how I just realized a second ago that when I am unhappy I rely on my ability to love other people to improve it. I cannot stress how annoyed I am with myself. I cannot stress how anxious the situation with my parents makes me. I cannot stress how much I believe that the reason I'm so anxious is because he took everything away.
I just worked myself into a spiraling juju cycle right there.
Insomnia and Pink Martini.
I'm looking forward to the weight I'll gain and the moods I'll be in and the punishment I'll recieve for not sleeping.
This all feels so surreal. It shouldn't it's been this way it always has why would I think it would be any different today of all times now of all times in fact I only have two D's he was disappointed he was excited "I don't like doing this" why were you smiling when you did it really I don't believe you I don't believe you care I don't believe you understand I don't believe you know I don't believe you believe I don't believe I DON'T BELIEVE my efforts are futile there is no use arguing do not let me turn out to be you please God don't I refuse to be a blubbering mess I need to sleep I need to sing I need to sleep I need to sing I need to love I need to hug I need to do I need to relax I need to realize I need to underthink I need to overthink I need to read I need to speak I need to scream I need to vent I need to cry I need to get his smell out of this shirt my shirt smells like pot my hair smells like coconut and cigarettes my hands smell like lavender my room smells like Old Spice my bed smells like Reland my pillow smells like Orkila my blanket smells like summer. Daft Punk sounds like Miles sounds like what I wish I was involved in what I wish I had done what I had missed out on. Hot Girls In Good Moods sounds like happiness sounds miserable sounds like freshman year sounds like Ileana sounds like sex sounds like Colleen sounds like Australia. My stomach sounds like something missing something I can't quite put my finger on something I don't like something I don't want.

I need to try to sleep. I can't sleep. Goodnight.

but compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright

What sweet lyrics. "Miserable At Best" by Mayday Parade.
My late-night forbidden phone conversations make me so much happier. I mean, I can't sleep anyway, so why not talk to people who can't sleep either?
I am full of indifference. What do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry? The futile the futile it outweighs the beautiful.
You know what I need to do? I need to start on the juju project again. That made me so fucking happy. Anyone who reads this who I've discussed it with, let's get on that soon, hmm? You're all so beautiful...let's do it.
It feels a lot later than 6:38 right now. I haven't had anything deep and insightful to say lately, mostly angsting and venting about things I can't talk about otherwise.
Yesterday was fantastic. I love International Day. We watched an hour-long video about Darfur and Mykaila moderated an amazing discussion about:
* Do you think that something like this could happen in a Western Country? Why or why not?
* Why is violence in Africa allowed when it would immediately be stopped in Europe?
* How effective is agreeing to an all African peace keeping force? Will they help or is it only help on paper?
* When does the international community have a responsibility to invade a country to protect civilians?
* That said the WHO estimates 150,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed does that mean we are obligated to stop killing civilians?
* Does it make a difference to have celebrities advocating for Darfur? Why?
* How does a western country choose where to send troops? Is it to protect its own citizens for global welfare or because the country has valuable something that is useful to Western country?
* Has the US become less effective in the UN since invading Iraq?
Regarding the first question, I brought up Native Americans and how genocide has, in fact, happened in Western countries. Not on a globally-aware scale, but it definitely has happened...massacres and reservations, essentially.
Anyway.
Homework time. Love.

looking up

gtfo

-"Such a waste. You know, most of the time we're fighting over you."

- "Well if I'm such a burden you shouldn't have had me."

Too much of a coward to tell him goodbye and too self-righteous to apologize.

We were supposed to leave yesterday but her conscience got in the way.

By the way, yes it does hurt when you don't acknowledge me. Always friends, right? Maybe you really are that fake.

You should stop being an emotional hormonal bipolar beehive and remember that you're my best friend.

We don't need new fucking curtains, it's a recession for Christ's sake.

D- D D+ C- C B+ A

I am scared. I look forward to going to school every day, if only to hold hands with someone.
He has the ability to look at everything I say and everything that is said to me. "You don't need privacy, what kind of secrets are you keeping?" I keep all kinds of secrets, thanks. Thinks he knows everything about me, how very very wrong he is.

I'm in a bit of a rut right now. Instead of going up and down my moods are sort of permanently down, and there is not a way for me to get them up, as far as I'm aware. I mean there's really no reason for me to be moping and angsting when there are so many other people with problems worse than mine. Kay told me Saturday that she "missed emo 7th grade Olivia." I found I didn't know what to say to that, because although really those were the happiest times of my life and I miss them too, I would not go through them again. I got a little indignant at the remark because this isn't the first time she's implied that she does not like the way I am now as much as then. Except, I know better than that.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty. Do I feel alright? No, not slightly. So uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hate you harbor.
Things will get better.

brain puke

So what are you saying? Are you saying that things get ~awkward now? Now you don't talk to me? What the hell are you trying to do here? Obviously I am not okay. Obviously, yes, I do need that hug that slips your mind, the hug I can't get up the nerve to ask for, because really is it worth it? Do you really mean it? Should I make the effort to continue this if it's going to be fake smiles and second glances all the way? Barely a hello. I don't understand, I know I shouldn't get worked up about it. I want to talk to you, I want to say all manner of things to you, but I can't tell if I should put the effort into it.

And you, I want to slap you in the face because YOU, YOU YOU YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT TO WHICH YOU ARE SO FUCKING BLESSED. I WOULD HAVE KILLED, BUT NO. I can't tell you this, I can't begin to tell you this, I can try to tell you and I can give you warning glances but no, never heeded. If you fuck the whole fucking thing up, I am going to rip your face off.

And you. LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM. HE'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. HE'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. Just because he's being nice today doesn't mean it won't flip, it won't change in a couple minutes. There's no nice way to do this unless it's a mutual thing and it's NOT MUTUAL. He's blaming you, he's guilt-tripping you and you should not stand for this. You deserve better than this, I love you, I don't know what I would do without you, but you need to grow a backbone and DO IT ALFUCKINGREADY. We need to leave, we need to leave now, its not good for either of us, it's just eating away at us and making me anxious I am going to gain weight and you are going to gain more white hairs and NEITHER OF US WANT THIS, ANY OF IT. LEAVE.

AND YOU. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH YOU. You treat us like shit, we put up with it, so many years. You have changed. You never used to be this controlling, this obnoxious, this untolerant. You believe in aliens but you can't bear the thought of me being gay? I see more of you in myself every single fucking day and I fight it, I fight it so very very hard, but I can't seem to shake myself of the idea that I will grow up to be just like you. I don't want that, I don't want that at all, I want to be WHO I AM, not WHO YOU ARE. You want me to be who you are, you want me to live up to your standards, that's why she's leaving you because NOTHING IS EVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. NEVER, IN MY LIFE, HAVE I FELT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. And you know, I shouldn't have to feel insufficient every single day of my life, I shouldn't feel guilty every time I see a B-, my stomach shouldn't drop at every mention of a progress report. I shouldn't feel guilty for walking to the supermarket on the weekends, I should really be studying, I should be cleaning, we need to get rid of that fucking dog, Olivia, get your head out of the clouds, Olivia, fill your mind with good things, Olivia. I AM FUCKING SICK OF YOU. I love you, I love you so much, but I wish you were different. I wish you hadn't changed so much, I wish there wasn't something wrong in your head, I wish you didn't treat me like an employee. If it wasn't for you, I would be sleeping every night and I wouldn't be wheezing from the tar and cyanide in my lungs and I wouldn't have the marks and I wouldn't be the way I am. You play a huge part in who I am, good and bad, and I love it, I hate it. I don't want to live up to your standards, I want to live up to mine. I WILL LIVE UP TO MY STANDARDS.

I need to leave, I need to change, constant change, thanks guys for raising me this way. Thanks for staying somewhere just long enough for me to make friends then leaving again, no, bye bye Lisbon, bye bye Rome, bye bye Corfu, so long, thanks for the memories. Onto somewhere new, look at the pretty ruins, be grateful. I AM GRATEFUL. I OVERFLOWING WITH FUCKING GRATEFUL. REALLY, I AM. Now I have to have change, I can't stay the same...it's a human thing, but really? Now? No. I need some constants and what am I going to do now? Things are up in the air, DO IT NOW OR DON'T DO IT AT ALL. Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church and someone buy me roses and someone burned the church, and someone save my soul tonight please save my soul. I'll never let them hurt you, I promise.

This is going to be difficult. I know it is. But I want you to know, all of you, everyone, I want you to know that I love you. Just because I'm upset and volatile right now does not mean that you should treat me like a porcelain doll. I am still here, I am still alive, and I do want to be here for you no matter what. Just because I am upset does not give you reason to not tell me things or talk to me if you want to. If any of this makes sense. I love you and I'll need help, but I am here for you.
All I need right about now is a hug and an energy drink and I'll be peachy.
Really, my mood just gets worse and worse. Yes, sure, I'm glad you don't enjoy my company. What do you want now, stop actively trying to make me miserable, please. And you, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND, YOU DO NOT LIKE ME, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE UN FUCKING CIVILIZED ABOUT IT. I miss my old life and I'm stuck in this anticipating limbo for my next life, a sort of no-man's-land of implosions and explosions and mini breakdowns and super highs. I'm going through some kind of withdrawals but I don't know which. I'm not on any drugs. I'm getting killer headaches every day and I am going crazy and I need I need I need I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED. I need to cuddle, I need affection, that's what I always go back to in my times of crisis. The question is whether I'll get what I need. Probably not, knowing my luck. Fuck this, I'm done.

que me anima

MGMT and late-night conversations and Beth Amphetamine and noni berry and Courtney Marie Andrews and the squirms and Morgan's genocide questions and stealing root beer and so-called waffles and real waffles and so-called Pringles and President-elect President Barack Obama and late-morning inauguration parties and toast and "booftart" and iPhone and Jack Johnson and Pink Martini and little tomato and Oh Dear God, You're Beautiful and I Love You More Than Blank and Old Spice and burt's bees and Van Gogh and Rachel Maddow and My Chemical Romance and Green Day and BJ and white ties and Volkswagen and Garth and double piercings and Mykaila's house and slalom and cold sunny days and Daft Punk and Ringo Starr and El Corazon and "What are you wearing, Monkey?" and groomed runs and dusty powder and glitter and knitted hats and messy braids and amateur French braiding and Mr. Shoe and Hannah Brown's hair and new tans and McKenna and mittens and armored gloves and E.T. and nostalgia and growling tummy and Chili con Carne and hot girls in good moods and scarves and giving your all and "What the sketch?" and Kidney Stone and Colleen and Marisol's Wayne's World costume today and Mr. Pesce and stealing rings and lighters and GWB (Fuck You Very Much) and Miserable At Best and dress shopping with Kailyn and deep conversations and her stopping the shuddering sobs and shallow conversations and "Her bone structure screams 'Touch her, touch her!'" and swim team and polka dots and the smell of candles as soon as they're blown out and Fiumicino and exchange students and Michelle Obama and caramel and stale popcorn and har haring at Twilight and nirvana and Buddhism and Gandhi and Bolger's class and Peace Corps and silhouettes and well-fitting sweatshirts and new hoodies and sweatpants and the periodic table and the starting gate and quesadillas and the Berenstein Bears and pea coats and photos y signos de interragacion and after-school snacks and Top Pot Dilletante hot cocoa and pears and MacBook cameras and Spanglish and dreadlocks and serendipitous meetings and when stomach aches cure themselves and impromptu "I love you"'s.

To be updated.

Adrenaline rush, need for speed? Amazing.

Olivia travels the world?

When I was 7, I had an enchanting glow-in-the-dark globe that served as a night light. I spent so many hours staring at the glove that I created a list of places I wanted to go to. I found the list. When I went to the places, I'd cross them off. Here it is, regenerated. Mind you, not all of the places that I've traveled to, but this is more for me somehow gaining a sense of accomplishment.

1. Egypt
2. Morocco (for the camels)
   
3. El Salvador
4. Spain
5. Greece (for the goddesses)
6. Germany
7. Holland (clogs)
8. Ireland (I thought Pippi Longstocking was Irish because of the hair)
9. Iceland
10. Italy
11. Chile
12. Argentina
13. Turkey
14. Russia
15. Lithuania
16. Czech Republic
17. Poland
18. Tunisia
19. England
20. France
21. Sweden
22. Serbia and Montenegro
23. Denmark
24. Portugal
25. India (elephants, nuff said.)
26. Guatemala
27. Panama
28. Colombia
29. South Africa

And that's it, as far as my list said.

pomegranate strawberry

I'm so excited
Four more days and he's gone
What a huge relief

So yeah. OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA

I am terribly excited.
I also have this song from glee stuck in my head, Walk In Jerusalem. Grahjfklieoele.
Chili con carne!
You know, I was never a huge fan of Hello Kitty. I don't know, nice I guess, but not for me.
Also, speaking of Jerusalem. My dad and I are planning a trip to Israel sometime soon. Like when I graduate or something.
I have a mosquito bite on my neck. Most random ever. I thought mosquitos died in the winter?
Right now I'm in U.S. History and we're talking about the Hudson river emergency plane landing. When I heard about it, I just about had a heart attack because my sister and not-brother-in-law were flying to the inauguration.
SPEAKING OF.
My sister found an Obama cupcake, pictured right.
(:

Wow, I'm naive.
Like half the time I can't tell when people are being dicks to me. Well I can when it's girls, but whatever. I don't want to think about this.
MRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW INSURRECTION.


final words.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Reading Quiz #7

Is being high is actually sober?
Do paintings see us like we see them?
Is reality actually a dream and what we supposedly dream is real?

The logical answer to all of these is no.
But I don't know. I like to try to wrap my mind around the possibility.
What is real? The reality-dream one seems more likely to be true because of deja vu, dreaming of something and having it happen...seems more possible.
Are you real? Am I real?
Let's debate these sometime.



(:
I'm appreciative of a whole bunch of stuff right now.
Super happy, you know? I feel intelligent and inspired.
I have some stomach pains though. Maybe it's just my uterus telling me I'm fertile.

Okay. Love.

\o/

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood after two hours of sleep. I snapped at Alexa. Sorry, love.

THE TREES ARE SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW.
Speaking of beautiful, I'm making a new Oh Dear God, You're Beautiful list. I'm handwriting it, so I guess I'll scan it when the time comes. I don't think it'll ever be finished, though. Constantly meeting new people, new beautiful people.
I tried to explain the beautiful thing to Jane the Australian exchange student, but I think it just made me seem creepy. If she ever reads this, hopefully she'll understand that the list is not of people I find attractive.
I've been combing through all the dictionary definitions I can for a good definition of beautiful. There are some that are okay, but none of them really fit what I'm thinking. I keep trying to put it into words, but again, nothing seems to fit exactly.
What I'm thinking is a good person. But what constitutes as a good person?
Someone who is spiritually and fundementally sound? Morally reasonable? Caring? Day-brightening? GOOD JUJU? I know I have the vocabulary artillery in my little English armory. I'd ask for help, but I think everyone has their own definition of beautiful.
Hm. Befuddling.
Maybe it's something you can't explain. It just IS. Someone just IS beautiful...inside, out. Good.
Maybe it's better to not pinpoint it, because I'm sure there are countless people whom I will meet in my lifetime that are beautiful in a different way, each one of them.

Cool.
Today's going to be a good day. The sun's finally risen and it's lighting up the trees with this awesome yellow light. GOOD. I'm getting some motherfucking vitamin D deficiency.
More later?
Love.

more stomach aches

Lots of stuff has gone on in that car.

I am tired.

whoever invented stomach aches can die nao

Really, Geometry is not happy with a touchy stomach.
Thanks, lactose. Fuck you.

WINTER BALL WINTER BALL OM NOM NOM IT BETTER BE GOOD THIS YEAR.

I appreciate the Pac Man on Public Indecency. I look forward to spending my US History class fiddling with it. That, and fancy pants adventure. Thank you, Abby.
I went to sleep at midnight last night; I'm proud. Usually the insomnia gets to me before that.
My thoughts are not necessarily connected today, though. It earned me a good ol' facepalm from Alexa today...except, not on her face. On my face. Someday I'm going to be walking around with a permanent Alexa palm etched into my forehead.
Speaking of Alexa, the name Felix is really catching on. I'm starting to call her Felix in my head. Except Felix always reminds me of that goddamned black and white clock cat. Reland had one of those when we were itty bitties. I had bad dreams about it and her Betty Boop cookie jar and her creepy fucking marionettes that hid out in the alcove behind her door in the Jones street house.
My stomach just yelled. How very unpleasant.

If you want to skip this whole next rant, go for it. It's just my vicious circle of illogical/motivational school thinks.

I think I've figured out at least part of why geometry doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. My mind doesn't follow that line of logic; it's like trying to ski through wet snow with cold wax. (Believe me, I've tried before and I got the same sort of reaction from myself as when I do geometry.) Meaning, it's hard. It's really, really HARD. I get stuck and cannot seem to get my math feet moving again.
But then I feel like a dumbshit because I remember that I'm growing up and need to start thinking for myself now. It's the most basic of coming-of-age survival instincts, and I suck at it.
What I'm thinking is that school is not my type of education. I would be fine with pulling a Maggi and graduating high school, trying college, quitting if it doesn't work for me, and going and doing what I'm good at and love instead. Compared to geometry, college sounds like a breeze. Thing is, itt would only be a breeze if I do well here, which I currently am not. Sounds like I need to pick up the pace a little bit. No will power.
I'm not really bothered by this. I know that I should be, but I also know that I do not want to be the type of person whose sole driving power in life is school. What happens when you get out of school? You work. I do want to work, but I don't want to work until I kill myself, I won't want to have the type of job that would stress me out that much. I know work is going stressful at sometime, that's the way it is, but I'd prefer to lower the chances. All I have to do to drive me away from that sort of job is to look at my father. But to do this, to ensure a job I love that is not stressful and hellish, I have to work hard now so I'll be able to go to a college a want so I'll have the versatility I naturally need. If any of this makes sense.
So work hard now to do what I want later, essentially.
This is nothing new.
I want to go away and live the poor, happy life I'm destined for.
My mother and I had a conversation about this girl I know who is destined to be a rich, unhappy businesswoman. Haha, my mom told me she "can see me being poor and happy, although she knows I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it."
I love her.
So anyway.

Might be allergic to marijuana, did I mention that sometime prior to this entry?

Boy, these floods are hardcore.

documented forever

Olivia dear, I love you much more than is healthy.
"Alarm. Motherfucking instrument of Satan."
I am not entirely certain that I can hold in the pee that is threatening to flow forth from my private square like the water of god's wrath being unleashed as if the dam broke. Or something of that nature. "You're so wrapped up in layers, Onion Boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!"

"popular sovereignty"

Thank you for that, Mr. Shoe.

MY GOD. I JUST REALIZED HOW INAPPROPRIATE THIS SONG IS.
Alive With The Glory Of Love by Say Anything

It won me over last year (thanks Marisol) and I listened to it day and night for like 8 months. About World War I.
My favorite part:

Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate war camps.
I'll dream about you, I will not doubt you with the passing of time….Oh, yeah.
Should they kill me, your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yeah.
I'll know my purpose: this war was worth this. I won't let you down…

And then:
And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Axis, yeah…
They'll search the buildings, collect gold fillings, wallets, and rings…oh, yeah.
But Miss Black Eyeliner, you'd look finer with each day in hiding, oh yeah…
Beneath the wormwood, ooooo, love me so good…
They won't hear us screw away the day.

What on earth?
I can't help but giggle in a weird sort of way.

if you listen to your heart the whole night through...

Thank you Olivia for not being a fuckyheaded doinkers. I am a talented young woman and I love myself.
Thank you everyone for putting up with me, for loving me, for hugging me, for kissing me.
I love you, all of you. Everyone who's ever listened to me or talked to me or made me giggle or made me smile or made my day or told me they love me or told me to get over myself, no matter what our relationship is now. I loved you during our relationship and there will always be a place in my heart for you. I told you I'll always love you, I meant it.

To sum up my feelings:
(:

Dear ;

The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you




Love,
\

i love you.

mykaila (9:52:14 PM): (:

mykaila (9:52:39 PM): well chipperness/spasicity is good to lose if you have friends that make you HAPPY

mykaila (9:52:45 PM): so that is the question to ask yourself

olivia (9:53:01 PM): i do have friends that make me HAPPY (:

olivia (9:53:30 PM): the problem is balancing my self-reliance and how i rely on my friends to make me happy

mykaila (9:54:00 PM): That is true

mykaila (9:54:03 PM): it's a difficult one

olivia (9:54:12 PM): yeah

olivia (9:54:17 PM): but nothing i can't handle

mykaila (9:54:30 PM): perhaps

mykaila (9:54:43 PM): friends that encourage and nurture your happiness as opposed to making you happy

olivia (9:54:49 PM): yeah

olivia (9:55:06 PM): i cannot and do not expect my friends to lift me up when i'm down all the time, every single time i have a problem

olivia (9:55:09 PM): i wouldn't put that on them

olivia (9:55:13 PM): i don't want them to solve my problems

olivia (9:55:39 PM): but who are in general good people who encourage and do good things that in turn make people happy

you don't love me, you don't care.

Leg cramps fuzzy sheep Daft Punk Sarah Grove's boobs ex-boyfriends OH MY GOD, WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THAT? "cum"?!?!?! I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING GOING OUT WITH YOU, GTFO taking Katie Mac to Winterball! need to go dress shopping Spiderman blanket "Why are you wearing a tiny top hat?" he's yelling at her again yin-yang? haha fuck this shit. close up camera one the hero sings in this scene FREE HUGS give me a break so fucking passive aggressive suck my big black dick wow VULGAR "did you not tell him they were the Lord's chips?" I wonder what to do with myself no one's interested no one's interesting I feel used I feel great I feel rejuvenated I feel confused I feel behind I feel belligerent I am exhausted I am sick of her I am sick of him hey, did you get some? man, that is so dumb. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I die happy I know what I have to do but I'm having issues following through WOW IMPLOSION.
All these fucking voices in my head.


I know who I am, but I have no identity. Completely contradicts itself. It's occured to me a few times since Mykaila mentioned something about my having a sense of identity nestled in the impressions people have of me, which generally seems the same, which I am fine with. But...I have a new impression I made on myself when I grew a backbone quite a few months ago. I feel the same, I have my whole life. Perhaps I'm not as chipper nor as spastic as I have been, but that's only due to some cynicism induced by some people and shit but wjlkfmwe;flkw whatever.
I lost my train of thought.
Fucking pity, I was going to go on another rant.
Implosion complete




I'm better now.

good couple of days.

Two days ago, Reland came over. I love that girl. We watched The Women (there is not a single man cast in that movie), the Little Mermaid, and the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Oh man. We danced a lot.
Yesterday Alexa came over. I donned my corn suit, she donned her tiny top hat and we scuttled up to Blockbuster and rented Animal House, Tekkunkeirkiemfekreet (help?), Heartbreakers, and Jackass 2. Watched all but Heartbreakers, substituted in Rocky Horror.
We danced a lot.
Photos on PI.
Today Reland came over again, a couple hours after Alexa left. Watched Rocky Horror a third time. Danced a lot.

Right now a guy is telling me about his reproductive organs. I don't quite know how to respond.
I'm wearing bright orange tube socks...I used them for soccer socks once. It was a rainy practice and we mud wrestled, so my socks got quite shabby. They still look dirty and gross but they're not, I swear. I wash them frequently.
The Christmas lights above my bed/around the Wall are hypnotizing, sober and otherwise.
Reland brushed my hair today...it's all poofy now.
I'm tired. Going to call Kay, then go to sleep. Nothing deep or insightful to say today.

I love you!

forgive

me. i'm a dingus.


what a woman


see if you can guess any of these places?









two of them are in north/central america, the rest are in the mediterranean/surrounding areas




...lolwut?
gnight

happy january

I've been listening to this for the past hour.

It kills me every time. No joke, made my day so, so much better.

Conversations with my bathroom mirror are never the same as when you're standing here.
I'm chicken shit out in the brave frontier, that teenage wasteland.


I love you.